why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
