Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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