Pregnant stripper...not hot.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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