Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
