i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
