but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
