god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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