I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i barfeds in our rink
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
