I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
