my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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