Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
