Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
