So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
