we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
