i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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