I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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