How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
