My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So drunk its hurt
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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