Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize