I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
