wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
