i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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