When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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