if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
