i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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