just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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