Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
