He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
