i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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