Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
