i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
