I feel great
I just peed on a car
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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