I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize