Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
