I think scott just propositioned me for sex
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
