apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
