Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I love you.
Bad choice
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
