but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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