if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
