Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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