This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
