i barfeds in our rink
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
