i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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