How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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