Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
