I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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