...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The air was thick with penises
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
