i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
