Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
