i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
