You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize