Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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