I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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