I think i peed on brittanys purse
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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