I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
