Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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