things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
