just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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